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roses for my valentine
12:28 AM
Sunday, February 28, 2010 i don't know, i just want to blog it, i really don't know where i should put my thoughts at. I've been feeling rather moody, i think cause my monthly thingy is about to come. sorry if the fonts are super small, but i just felt like doing that (: my heart breaks every morning because i've been having dreams of you every single night, there's no tears for me to shed just a heavy heart. i miss your smell. i miss your smile. i miss your chubby cheeks. i miss your body warmth. i miss your hugs. i miss your kisses. i miss your everything. i feel guilty because i've been asking alot from you, my apologies are genuine. I've said things that hurt you, but at the end of the day, i'm not hurting you alone, but myself as well. every time i think of you, i would smile a little. i would talk about you to others which makes me smile a little too. but at the end of the day, i just felt like crying, but i've cried so much already. i couldn't cry anymore. i know you weren't serious after some time we got together it was obvious, not texting me, giving some random reasons, there's a thing called the email or the website. your smses were very dry. you have no time for me but do have the time for others. every single movement you made tells me you're not interested anymore. every movement you showed me was only telling me you're playing around with me. when we broke up, i already knew you wanted it, it's not just based on instincts, it's also base on what i've heard after. you're such a jerk, but i fell in love with you. you're such a moron, i don't understand why i stil want you. i keep telling myself how stupid i was to even think of you every single day. i keep telling myself to let go, but i still cling on to you. the fact that you're already gone has sank deep and hard into me, but my heart still chooses to wait for you, when i already knew you won't be coming back, when i already knew what you said after we broke up were just a bunch of lies to make me feel better because your mind set is definitely "valerie won't wait for me because she'll find someone better" maybe, because i know myself, i would think that way too if i were somebody else. yes, i'm crying now and i feel better, so many days i couldn't cry, finally i am. i tried really hard every single day to keep my mind from thinking of you, but i can't. i miss being happy, i try really ever so hard to please my emotions, but it only lasted for a few minutes. no i don't want you because i know you don't want me. i love you, but i don't want to be with you, because you're not the nigel i knew when we were best friends. i really really really wish to stop loving you, I REALLY WISH TO, but i just don't understand why my heart still wants you. i'm such a pathetic person. i tried thinking of what you did, it pisses me off for a moment, but i can never be pissed off for long, because i still love you. i do hate you for what you did, but i still love you. i wish to move on, but i can't. i wish to stop thinking of you. i wish to stop loving you. i wish for the heaviness in my heart to go away. time heals, yes it does, but the love will never go away. even if i do get myself in a relationship in future, he is just a substitute. love doesn't fade because my heart has chosen to stick with you for life. you've been good, in the beginning, i've been an ass. but i won't deny that you're a jerk in the later days. you're not into commitment, why even be with me in the first place. only reminds me of a song, echo. the part which goes "be my boyfriend can't you hear my heart break" you're never coming back, that's for sure, but my heart is stupidly waiting for you even though it knows you're never coming back. my heart is always full of hopes, just like in fairytales while my thoughts are always the opposite because this is reality. reality never sinks in my heart. lastly, i miss holding you hand, because when i hold it tight, it makes me feel that you love me and forever will be mine. words spilled @ 12:28 AM /
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