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i don't know if this is what i want.
3:15 PM
Tuesday, March 16, 2010  ever get this feeling where you ask yourself, "is this what i really want ?" yes i get that feeling all the time. i see so many people being so much more talented than i am, in terms of their illustration, in terms of their work, i feel that mine's like shit. seriously. you get demoralizing comments, grades which pulls everything down. i don't know if this is what i want to do. there's no standard answer for design courses. it's much tougher, that's all i feel because i rather be doing some other courses where you just memorize answers, do the papers and get good grades that will satisfy yourself. designing IS stressful, if the teacher doesn't like your work no matter how much effort you put in, you have to redo it, and it's not just once, it's redoing it a hell lots of time. if you're lazy just like me, you're doomed. WELL at least i'm going to put in alot of effort. (: but along the way, i just think to myself, how long can i last, will i ever be able to fulfill my own dreams, more importantly i wish to earn big money so that i can buy my parents a really big house and retire. (: hehe, i'm waiting for time to fly... going back to school to show him my work. sigh. was suppose to show him yesterday but i couldn't finish, (: so leah and i told him to give us another day, BUT to be fair... penalty applies, -7%. yeah. (: what Aaron said was VERY true. you see alot of pretty girls in design course, after a few months, not so pretty because of the eye bag! lol. i've been sleeping at 1 plus 2 for almost a week just to complete bit by bit. sunday was worse. i started my work, i was left with cutting and pasting, painting my pages. at 6plus did all the way until 6AM i couldn't even finish! went to sleep until 10AM. had to rush my work. left my place at 1plus. went to school to continue. sian ehs. cannot finish. BUT valerie's a lucky girl. we had one more day. (: yeah. i'm done with things just that i'm so lazy to draw my 50 designs, i did sketches, not the technical flat ones yet. SIGH. seriously, it's not that i'm loosing the interest, it's just that it's pulling me apart. i those kind of person who would take interest in something, but it won't last long. i know, i think i know, that this is what i want, but how long can i hold that interest. with all the workload, all those comments/remarks, i'm afraid i might just stop taking interest. however, i don't give up that easily, if i'm on something, i'll do it. even though my works may not be as good as others, i'll never say i want to quit. i'll do better, even though i myself know i cannot be able to be better because i'm not as talented as they are, but i'll never say this is it, i don't want to do this anymore. but my emotions are kind of killing me inside, my emotions just wants to give everything up because i'll never be good enough. and yes i do cry about it. BUT, my thoughts are much much stronger which helps me overcome that feeling of giving up. but, the feeling will always be back. "live life the way you've imagine it to be" but can i ? there will always be a "but". i do what i like, but can i achieve what i want? is believing + hard work enough if you don't really have as much talent as others. what am i going to do if it doesn't ? WHAT IF. HOWEVER, i will not say i'm going to quit, life may not go according to what you want, but if you deserve it, you will get it. and i believe i deserve it. WHO CARES IF OTHERS MAY BE MORE TALENTED THAN I AM, i have my own unique ways, i think. but seriously, i'm still feeling demoralized. HEHE. ohman. kind of sucks to be me because i believe, but i don't know if i can. i know, i said i've got over him. truth is i really don't know. i don't think about him, only at night. i can't help myself. my thoughts hates you because of what we've been through together. my emotion misses you. FUCK THIS MIXED EMOTIONS. i hate the feeling of missing you, i hate the fact that i MAY still love you, because i mother fucking HATE you, that's what my head thinks. but my heart still loves you. it's a shitty feeling, trust me. i said i'll wait. but i don't think i want to. if you're gonna be the same as before, i rather not want you, i dont want to hurt myself. BIG FAT LIAR. KNN. lying as though i'm some 3 year old kid. yes when i think of it i'm mad, but after awhile, i think of it again... it's not worth being mad over because it's over. if there is a day that i could say what i want to say to you, i will, and trust me i won't be saying things that happen during our relationship, i'll be saying it to you as a friend / former best friend. but for now, nah, waste of my breath. yes, you're a great friend/best friend but you totally suck at being a boyfriend. (: YES I DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU, BECAUSE IT'S PLAIN STUPID, unless you're different. HAHA, which i doubt you'll change anyway. EVEN IF I SCOLD THE SHIT OUTTA YOU, i BELIEVE you'll still stay the same. and i hope you'll meet someone like you to see how you're really like which makes me hate you. (: OKAY ENOUGH OF YOU. I SERIOUSLY MOTHER FUCKING HATE YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND I STILL DO LOVE YOU. BUT I NEVER WANT TO GET BACK WITH YOU. let's just say.. i know what i want, and i know what i must let go words spilled @ 3:15 PM /
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